Christmas Eve...

12/24/09

It is Christmas eve, and I am alone in tiffany’s house. I find it hard right now to describe my emotions. What I do know is that nothing will ever be the same for me…I am beginning to understand things that far surpass my age and experience, and apart of that truly scares me…I have never felt so alone…but in true essence I know that in this state of being lies the actuality that I am closer to the Most High than ever before in my life. And that understanding gives me peace.

I have reached a place where I am realizing how ugly of a people we have become. And I must know that history always repeats itself. And so the stories of Noah and Babel must come to life again, this is the way of the universe. It is constantly in pursuit of order and balance. I am confused right now as to what exactly to believe in. all I know for sure is that universal laws will not ever be broken, it is the will and perfect wisdom of the Most High, and I have faith that The Most High is not a man that he can lie…

That being said, with me knowing that an end is near, I cant help but to feel a mixture of emotions. Sad because one day I will lose my family…sad because I don’t quite know if I want to bring children into a world so ugly and full of hate and sad because we have all the power and opportunity to be so great and to exhibit God’s love, but yet the majority of the time, we do not…and due to this understanding,,,I cry.

I am angry. Angry that evil, hellish, demonic, selfish people are allowed to live and thrive and prey on the children of the Almighty creator, mean while some of the most beautiful people ever on the face of this earth, are taken away and those who knew them are left with only fragments of who they were…Angry because so many innocent, BEAUTIFUL, loving people are literally preyed on by the enemy, “as sheep for the slaughter” and victimized and attacked, simply for being who they truly are “the light of the world” the “salt of the earth” while the enemy continues to boast and create a mockery of everything that is righteous and lovely and true.

I am frustrated, because right now at this very moment I do not know what to…I don’t know what I am supposed to say or where to go..a part of me questions my sanity. The other part of me, the depths of my soul knows I AM NOT CRAZY…but it is as if my whole life has been flipped upside down, and I can barely tell the difference between truth and illusion…It is hard to trust because I can hardly tell sometimes who’s on who’s side…it is hard to connect for me, because I am so TIRED of being drained and depleted. I am frustrated because I know that a vast amount of these fears I am battling right now, this very second, are derived out of my own past decisions, and I know that I could have prevented a lot of this pain I now feel…

BUT..

In the midst of this sadness, anger and frustration….there is a light…there is a power stronger than I that’s telling me so very clear right now….BE STILL and KNOW that I am NIGH…..KNOW that I AM GOD….there is a force that my logic and knowledge even on its best day…cannot explain or fully describe even if I tried to…and THIS knowing and understanding,,,it gives me HOPE

It gives me HOPE that everything will be ok. That all things work together for the good for them who love The Most High,. It gives me FAITH that The Most High will lead and guide me into ALL TRUTH AND REVELATION….it gives me understanding that when I am WEAK…The Most High is strong…it gives me LOVE to love past this fear…this love is my weaponry right now against the enemy, fear itself.

I choose to love…

I choose to love when I am terrified of being heartbroken
Used
Manipulated
And lied to
I choose to love.

I choose to love
When my very life is depending on it
I still choose to push past my fears
And allow The Most Highs light to fill me
Move me to
Reach,
Teach
And comfort the world…..

I feel as if I dont have anyone I can truly talk to about most things…but I guess this is where The Most High wants me…totally dependent on its love. “My grace is sufficient for thee, my strength is made perfect in weakness” Corinthians. I understand this.

So I sit..I sit still…I quiet my mind…transcend, time and space..allowing The Most High, Almighty to fill this place around me…i wait here…to see and hear clear…direction.